So after sitting on the can and dropping a deuce, (with the fan off because it makes horrendous sounds like it is about to catch on fire and/or come shooting out of the ceiling) I overheard my roommate on speaker phone with his gf. The following atrocities came spewing forth from his cheese hole:
“Babe, We are like Michael Jordan and Scotty Pippen”
“Babe, We are like Joe Montana and Jerry Rice”
“Babe We are like Spaghetti and Meatballs”
It’s moments like these that make me grateful that I am single.
Kill Me.
SMRD Chris - Trumbull, CT
My last roommate is very passionate about Robert Pattinson (the Twilight actor). When I say passionate, I really mean completely obsessed. She has life size cutouts of him, calendars, pillowcases, etc. She even turns bright red at the mention of his name. So, when I heard his latest movie premiere was moved from LA to NYC, I decided to be a good friend and drive her into the city to wait in line to possibly see him.
I pick her up at 4am, only to find out she had never gone to sleep the night before. Instead she stayed up drinking PBR’s in anticipation. We get to the city and get her into a line of people that is already 200 people deep. They are allowing the first 250 people in line to get wristbands, and stand outside the theater to scream and wave at the celebrities. She gets wristband number 245 and bursts into tears of joy.
When she meets me at the car 20 minutes later, she has brought along what seems to be an Ewok. This girl is probably 4 feet tall and 200 pounds, and unfortunate looking to say the least. She stops and says “Hey! This is…ummm…my little nugget. I met her in line! Can she come to breakfast with us?”. We never did find out The Nugget’s real name.
A few hours later my roommate has to get back in to line. She lies about her number so she can get in front. Pattinson arrives, and seems to walk directly to her. He takes some photos with her, signs her magazine, and is on his way. As soon as he is out of her line of site, she passes out, almost taking out a very pregnant lady in the process. The pregnant ladies husband drags my roommate over the barrier, where she comes to, lights a cig, and slams a bottle of water. When she gets to the car and pulls herself together she says “I will tell my future children this is the best day of my life. They are second”.
Roommate
The Nugget
SMRD Julianne - Bridgeport, CT
My roommate of two years just turned 21 and has thus been drinking regularly. For the last two years he has been sleep walking, which never really bothered me because he was quiet and nobody is perfect. Evidently when he’s drinking, sleep walking becomes a little more. I was rudely awakened by my roommate sleep walking naked into my bed. He grabbed me and tried to take my clothes off until I woke him up and told him what he was doing.
SMRD Josh - Lewiston, Maine
I should begin my story by saying that, although I am a guy, I have had several female roommates throughout my years. Also, I have heard just about all of them having sex with their significant other at various points in time. It doesn’t gross me out. It doesn’t make me angry. But…
Somewhat recently, my roommate has been seeing this guy. Obviously, I expected that I would hear them having sex, and of course I have. However, I have heard it enough times now that I have identified something particularly disturbing about it: After several minutes of moaning, I begin to hear loud FARTS. What’s worse is that one of them will fart, and the other one will PRETEND to be disgusted by it. But then they just laugh and continue. And after tonight, I am certain that this is a pattern they follow. I just don’t understand WHY.
Personally, I’ve gotten away with letting one rip accidentally during sex with really long-term relationships, but I really don’t feel that you can base your sex life on it. Even worse, I’ve been noticing that this guy is farting around our house all the time now. This is like what they DO together now. It’s like his mating call.
Does he have a sexual fetish with farts? Does she? I have no clue. But something about all of this just smells wrong.
SMRD Ravi - Peoria, IL
I woke up Saturday early afternoon to an unusually quiet room. My roommate was gone and she left nothing to tell anyone where she would be. So I go about my usual routine. A lot of people in my hallway had gone home Friday so everything is pretty quiet and chill. The day goes on and my roommate has yet to come back from wherever she went. Evening rolls around and my neighbor returns back from work. She unlocks her door and screams. I rush out of my room and over to hers to see what happened. There, inside my neighbor’s dorm, is my roommate. All her crap is spread out and she seemed to make herself at home. My neighbor and I are speechless. My roommate managed to sneak into my neighbor’s dorm and just spent the whole day there. Ever since that day our entire hallway double checks to make sure all doors and windows are locked.
SMRD Katie- Radnor, PA
For those that don’t know, I had a roommate last fall that had walked in from the gates of hell itself. She did a lot of crazy things but the prostitution story is always the one people are most interested in. I will add now that my roommate and one of our neighbors came across a Craigslist ad that we think was her advertising her services. If you’re in RVA and want to rent your basement or storage shed to a prostitute a few times a week, take a gander.
Anyway. When she moved in she told me she was getting her massage therapist license and would be bringing in a table, she asked if that was alright. I said sure because she didn’t come off as sketchy at all at that point. We wound up talking later on about how she got referral clients and had only been propositioned for a happy ending once. She made it sound like it was completely unwelcome and creepy.
A few weeks passed and the table hadn’t arrived, I vaguely remember her saying that the post office had broken one of the legs during shipping but nothing after that. Within a month or so things had started to get weird — my other roommate, I think I named her Katie for anonymity’s sake, started picking up some really weird vibes in this time. She was also friends with crazy roommate (Jane)’s younger sister, who is sane as far as we know.
Her sister dropped numerous bombshells but one of the biggest is that she used to sleep with her massage clients. Apparently she had no intention of getting a proper license. After that we started noticing patterns; she would have clients come by right around when I left for work and my roommate was in class. If my roommate especially decided to stay for whatever reason she would leave and say she was giving the massage at that person’s place. So the evidence was starting to come together, but it wasn’t tangible enough.
I remember one day I was getting ready to walk out the door and one of her clients arrived. He was middle aged and appeared to be some kind of construction worker by his clothing. He seemed pretty nervous when she introduced me and I just decided not to think about it and went to work.
As the weeks and months went on the visitors became more and more frequent, it was also becoming more obvious that she didn’t have a job at all. She had led us to believe she was some kind of translator working from home but this was clearly not the case. Sometimes she would disappear to places like Philly, DC, even NYC for several days and not say a word about it, we’d see something like “rocking out in DC!” on facebook and that was about it.
Right after my landlord delivered the notice to start eviction proceedings she disappeared. A few days had passed and we thought she might have up and left since she’d been caught not paying rent. We went into her room and good lord…cigarette butts piled literally a foot high on a big ashtray, clothing strewn EVERYWHERE (a lot of it was stained or ripped), fast food wrappers and dirty dishes stuffed into drawers and hidden under sheets or piles of clothing. There was a broken clock, several broken handheld gaming gadgets on her dresser and probably 40 Arizona tea cans piled all over the room. There were at least 2 sex toys and tons of used condoms everywhere. We only saw 3 books in there and all three were copies of Lolita. You would think it couldn’t get much creepier, but the kicker was the blood. Yes, blood. Next to her bed in several places were chunks of what looked like clotted blood. Obviously we didn’t want to touch it but it was pretty unmistakable, her mattress was also covered in old bloodstains. At that point we figured we would just not go in there anymore. I’ve likened her room to a portal where humankind has de-evolved into grunting id-type creatures and all problems are solved with rocks.
In her last weeks at our house, she was running a marathon. Presumably to pay moving costs since she obviously didn’t intend on paying her back rent. She would text us to let us know when she had a client so we would basically stay away, although she never caught on that I knew what was going on. Sometimes I love being blonde.
Katie spoke to her sister one last time before she left for a study abroad trip and nothing has changed except her parents have gotten more wise to the situation. I’m in the middle of moving and recently found a bunch of notifications from the state saying her driver’s license is suspended as of November of last year. There were also all these copies of her resume with different information listed on them. Yup, she was a sketchball.
SMRD Mrs. Howard Hughes
I woke up super early and had to pee. The bathroom door was cracked & I could hear the sink was on. Our bathroom has twin sinks, and then a toilet & shower in the second room. So I pushed the door to get by… only to see my room mate brushing his teeth naked. ahhhhh He pushed the door on me when he realized what a dumb idea it was to brush his teeth naked when both freaking roommates are home. I went back to my room to rest my burning eyes. To this day, I wish I had peed the bed instead of seeing that. It will take years of drug use or therapy (maybe both) to forget this…
SMRD Jenny - NYC
My freshman dorm mate was probably the most repugnant human being on the planet. He was the cliche bad roommate that every 1st year college student fears. Besides watching WWF while eating Vienna sausages in his stained undies, he also had a bad case of night terrors. Every night he would scream out like a howler monkey and wake me up out of deep sleep. While this alone was irritating, it became downright horrifying when words began to manifest. One night it particular I heard “No!” then “Stop!” and then finally “PLEASE DAD STOP!”
He also used to stare at my girlfriend and I at night and masturbate. Even after I would say, “dude, I can hear you.”
SMRD Tyler - NYC
I had just moved into a nice new spot and was digging it when I ran into a friend that needed a little help. I don’t know why (aside from the dude being a dumbass) but he was without a home at the moment I ran into him. So being a nice sucker, (no longer) I invited him to crash at my place for a bit until he got back on his feet. Shit idea. Aside from ALL of the usual annoying roommate things like eating all of your food, drinking all of your beer; using all of your shitting paper, opening up packages intended for you, wearing your clothes, never cleaning and so on… This dude brings home a dog one day. A pregnant dog. Someone was giving it away and this dude couldn’t resist. Not only does he have no job, no home, and was bumming off of me, but he has to bring this thing to an apartment that’s not his and has a clause in the lease stating NO PETS. The landlords live next door too. So the dumbass brings this dog which he claims he never knew was pregnant into the situation. I’m allergic to dogs btw. Oh yeah, my apartment was a studio too. So the next day I come home from work and the one dog we weren’t supposed to have had multiplied into seven. Now professor shit-for-brains says we can’t get rid of them until they are ready. (Whatever that means) A few days later I come home and see a shit bunch of water and soap suds all over the kitchen along with torn wet paper towels and a trail of wet sudsy spots leading to the patio. Just outside the door was a mass of heaving, shitting, fur balls. Shit was all over the patio. LOTS of it. Poor little shits. The dude had heard that when puppies are young that you must get them checked for worms or something. But since he was a poor-ass he went for the alternative medicine source. He had heard somewhere that if you give them hot sauce they will puke and shit out anything inside which they did. He used my unopened birthday gift of super hot sauce I was given called “Daves Insanity Sauce”. It’s hot. Real hot. So not only had they shit in the apartment and all over the patio, it was a super special brand of spicy smell that mingled amongst the more powerful smell of shit. All in all, a great time in my life. Asshole.
SMRD The Epic Gnar- San Diego-Prague
My room is right next to the kitchen so I hear everything that goes on there. That’s not too bad except when I’ve been up all night. One of my roommates does some beatboxing and freestyling, and when the dog is in there with him, he’ll rap about whatever the dog is up to, with accompanying mouth noises. This would be hilarious to me at any other time, but when I’m trying to sleep I want to force him to swallow a scorpion that will still inside his throat, paralyze him, cause doctors to mistakenly pronounce him dead, get him buried alive, and finally have him die writhing and clawing at the lid of his coffin. Nice guy though.
SMRD Ryan - Toronto, ON
